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Then she reached over and turned out the lights. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever. Why does Cupid always make so much money at the casino?

What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean? One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard. Frank you for being my friend! Get a print subscription to Reader's Digest and instantly enjoy free digital access on any device.

Skip links Skip to primary navigation Skip to content Skip to footer Main navigation. Because the only good time for love to hurt is when it's funny enough to split your sides. He gave her a ring. What was that you said about Martin? What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common? They both barely cover the asshole. Why don't black cats cross Trump's path? Because they are afraid of pussy grabbers. Why does Donald Trump pick his nose?

Because he's the boogeyman. You know what Trump has besides money? A barber with a sense of humor. What elephant ran for president? Donald Trunk Two Trump impersonators walk into a bar.

What do they ask for? Why didn't Republicans attend Trumps inauguration? Because the weatherman told them there was a 70 percent chance of a golden shower. What does Donald Trump and a pornstar have in common? They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera. Because it's not the first time he has pushed a black family out of their home! Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a boat they both fall off who gets saved? Did you hear about the love child Hillary Clinton had with Donald Trump?

It was all a secret until he used a private email server to run a fake university. Have you seen the Clint Eastwood film about Donald Trump? It's called "Billion Dollar Cry Baby". Have you tried the new Donald Trump Candy Bar? It's incredibly rich but has no taste! Why can't you blame Donald Trump for being in a bad mood? He hasn't had a good hair day in 20 years.

Why did Donald Trump ban shredded cheese as his first act as president? He wanted to furfill a campiagn promise to "Make America Grate Again". Did you hear about the first executive bill that newly elected Trump passed, called the American telephone act? Yeah you no longer have to press 2 for English. What instrument does the Alt-Right play? What do presidents jump on? What do you call it, when a brainless creature takes over the world? Hispanics and "Never Trump", I don't want to taco bout it.

When do liberals get on TV and attack Donald Trump? What do you call a president that blows? Donald Trump-et How do you know when Trump is not lying? His mouth is closed. How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble. Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters. Donald Trump wants to make America in his own image Does that mean he'll give America a shitty comb over? In what continues to be a fluid situation, the Associated Press is reporting that Donald Trump has locked hundreds of liberals in his basement at Mar-a-Lago Or as he likes to call it a "whine" cellar.

I don't always insult entire nations, but when I do it's with Trumped-up charges. American Criminals flee to Mexico and Mexican criminals flee to America Everybody needs to comb down. I wonder if Donald Trumps Secret Service codename is "walnut". So when he enters a room the Secret Service can say "The wall nut has arrived. If Trump was really cool with the gays, wouldn't one of them have fixed his wig by now. If Donald Trump loses his re-election bid, he doesn't need a concession speech, just a walk of atonement.

Donald Trump is a builder, he's going to use the vast resources of the United States government to build a wall to protect our citizens, build a strong middle class, and most importantly build a machine to cure male pattern baldness.

I heard Donald Trump wants to make government as small as his hands. Donald Trump is a successful investor Donald Trump is so dumb that he thinks Roe vs Wade is the choice faced by Washington crossing the Delaware.

Donald trump hairline is receding faster than the shoreline on the 18th tee at his golf course in Ireland. Trump hates illegals, Carson hates Muslims, Fiorina hates women, Huckabee hates gays, and Jeb hates questions about his idiot brother. That Awkward moment when you actually want to vote for Donald Trump. If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb Trump's ego and jump down to his I. Donald Trump loves the "poorly educated" so much, that when he's president there will be more of them than ever.

How can Donald Trump be hostile to people of color when he himself is orange? Donald Trump wants to control the country even though he can't control his hair. I heard Donald Trump wants to deport criminals Great when does he leave.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to paint a man orange and convince the world he was going to be president of America! Trump became president and started combating environmental disasters, annihilating sexual assault and battery, and zapped abortion in America.

Unfortunately in the morning the dream was over. Trump has been counting his protesters as supporters. No wonder why he thinks they're in the thousands. If you like your cancer you can keep your cancer. If Donald Trump had a sense of humor, he would die laughing after looking in the mirror. The only reason Donald Trump cares about the popular vote and claims millions of illegals voted is because it has the word popular in it.

I went to my hairstylist and requested the "Donald". She asked "What's That? Donald Trump, at a campaign stop in the midwest, promised to rebuild titties and make Detroit the motorboat city. Donald trump and my child's diaper needs to be changed often. And for the same reason! I heard Donald Trump is going to build a wall with all the bricks the 76ers laid tonight.

Donald Trump makes Archie Bunker look like a Democrat! He asks if the crowd wants to hear a joke? The southern crowd goes "USA! What do you call illegals on the moon?

What do you call all of the illegal immigrants on the moon? News Conference At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis.

Would you please comment on this. I wish he'd just Go away Just can't stand what he has to say People think he's awful dumb when he talks my brain goes numb He's gonna build a giant wall Cause people think he's got the BALLS And to end this stupid note I'd rather die than give him a vote.

There once was an old man named Trump; on working folk, he wanted to take a dump. He claimed, "Climate change is a hoax, by some sharp Chinese blokes".

Now who is the ignorant chump? Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects. Trump," comforted the under- taker. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

During an intermission, one middle aged lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe that I was sexually harassed!

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Pat McAfee tells his Peyton Manning joke 03/23/2016